Reboot

All right, I've sat on my arse long enough. Back to basics, back to what I want to do, and care to do, and know I have to do. As such, I'm revisiting a very old post, written years ago, when the stars seemed brighter and the sea louder, when everything had a beginning and an end, when I cared.

And here's to hoping that I won't stop caring again.



Have you ever had a feeling that you wantedto do something with your life, something big, something that would make adifference? What did you do to that feeling? Where did it go in the end, now asyou sit here reading these words? Did you ignore it? Did you smother it out,burying it in the depths of your brain where you knew you would never find itagain? Did you keep it a secret, planning to take it out later in life, only toforget as days went by that it ever existed? Did you nurture it, feeding it justenough hope for it to survive, only to find that it died on you one day? Did someone or something come away and destroy that feeling? Did it just go away after awhile?

Or is it just me, the one soul on this earth which can’t seem to enjoy himself and start living like everyone else, who has this feeling, this fire, in my soul, that tells me I have to be some use in this world? Is it just me who wants to grow it, to feed this fire and do something with it, before it, or I, die?

Where did your fire come from? What sudden inspiration drove this fire to spring up in your mind, to consume your thoughts and to drive you to shame? What moved you to want to do something else besides live this life that your parents, your ancestors, your past, your society had set up for you?

Is it me, only me, who sees an example of a person doing things that I want to do, yet don’t because I don’t have the guts to? Why am I driven by this person, to discontentedness at my own comforts, the gifts that circumstances have bestowed me? Why am I seeing an example in her, the person whom I love yet don’t have the heart or the courage to tell her? Why do I make it so important, such a stupid thing as an adolescent crush that I can’t blast out of my head with rock music and techno?

Why do I have a crush on her in the first place? She has the fire. It’s as simple, and as complex, as that. She has the fire to want to change the world. Mind you, she is just as confused as I am, but it’s there. I can see it, burning in her eyes. She wants to do something about the inadequacies in this world, not just enjoy the comforts that she was born into. I had that fire, a long time ago when I was young, a fire that I fed for years before complacency and the cold wind of society blew it out without my knowing,leaving me nothing, no flame that I could use to drive myself forward. For a while, I was an empty shell, wanting only to do whatever everyone else did and enjoy whatever everyone else enjoyed.

Fire spreads. Thank God…I mean it.

This girl, whatever I may think of her, whatever happens between me and her, whether I do or do not try to get her, has given me back that fire, and I respect her for it. Now it’s time for me to do something with it.

I’m writing this blog to remind myself of that fire, in case it gets put out again. I want to do something with my life, and I plan to do this: I want to get my feet wet and my hands dirty, with those people who suffer everyday to eke out a life where I would have given up. I want to help these people, whether it be in Sudan, or China, or Sabah, or down the street in the gutter just trying to stay alive. There is nothing better, nothing more rewarding, than to go to sleep at night knowing that I have made a difference to someone, anyone, who needed help. It would be a bit much to ask you to join me, but I’m extending this offer anyway.

So be my witness here when you read this blog. In July, when I’m done with my IB and have become bored of sitting on my rump all day playing games, I want to have gone. I want to have gone somewhere to make use of my life, so that if I die on the day I graduate from medical school, I can say that I have done something in my life that has made a difference to someone. If I fail to do that, then the fire in my heart has been put out again. Do me a favour and light it up.

And if you have that fire too, don’t keep it a secret. Don’t hide it in the attic hoping to bring it out later because by then, it would have been too late. The least you could do is spread it, as far and as wide as you can, to keep the fire burning.