Ode to the Past

Wow, it's been a while since I last poked my nose into my own blog. The last two months have been hectic, both medically and otherwise. Lab work, exams, post-exam celebrations and a trip to London have taxed me physically and mentally, and underlying these events is a sense that I am missing out on something I know is terribly important, but can't quite put my finger on. But more on that later, for those whom I would trust - this blog has been a place for me to bare my soul, but not right now. Some issues have not yet completely played out, others I would rather discuss with good friends in the privacy of internet chat rather than allow the casual wanderer to see my deepest thoughts. Some of you may be disappointed by the shortness of this post, but then my feelings and thoughts cannot be easily expressed in words.

The blog looks like an old room which I left ages ago in good order, but reenter to discover a fine layer of dust on everything that once was familiar. My every move stirs up faint clouds that add nostalgia to summer sunbeams from the window. Old declarations, bitterly sworn with clenched fist and pounding heart at stormy skies, lie faded on the webpage, the beliefs underlying them built on sand long since disappeared beneath the waves. Some of my crafts remain solid, yet with rough edges that once went unnoticed, but now stick out like a sore thumb. I barely remember the events preserved by the photographs on my facebook wall.

I step forward to identify each memory: Socialism, once a cherished ideal, remains standing, but has been eaten through by my own doubts. Nationalism, the very first concept that was the founding crux of my first blog as well as this one, lies dead, smashed by my own hand when I saw the beast for what it was. Faith in a superior being, that pristine glass carving that I once tried panstakingly to protect, was finally shattered by a careless thought. I may perhaps one day glue the delicate pieces together, but not before I change again. Even my taste in music has been fundamentally altered - when once it was the Backstreet Boys and Linkin Park, Massive Attack and Rob Dougan now dominate.

Taking in the room in its entirety, I can't help but realise how different I have become over the last two years. But though I am different, something within remains the same. All of these creations, splintered or maintained, worn out or pristine, were mine. And they still are.